Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine-based ramblings

Apparently because young, bored people like me have nothing better to do than make swine-based jokes, the WHO has just changed the name of the strain to 'influenza A (H1N1'.

To be honest i am starting to think that getting Swine-based flu is beyond me.

Not only do i never actually seem to leave the house, but it seems as though it is more becoming a celebrity pass-time rather than anything else.

This being said, our own Dr. (ironic!) Nick Smith, minister for the enviroment, has contracted it:

Oh no wait, I mean this guy:

Needless to say, this one has been moved from the 'Family' to the 'Horror' section of my local United Video:

Thanks to Globalisation the tag-line now seems painfully true.
And is it weird to admit that i remember my mum wouldn't let me go see this movie when i was eight as she didn't want me to see it 'because anything with a sexy name like that can't be suitable for an eight year old'?

Thankfully, of course, the wonderful trademe has us covered.


More soon....






Obie, can i call you that Obama?
Was it the smartest move not letting the mayor of New York know that you would be doing a presidential photo shoot in the air, in a plane, in the middle of a city still re-living its terrorized tragedy? I think probably not...


Confirm the fears of the half of America who didn't vote for you chump why dont cha.

In other news -

Does this picture of this tattoo give me justification to get a treaty of Waitangi scroll tattoo on my ass? topical.


Not only is she probably one of the most beautiful creatures that has graced this earth (if i were to go back to the puss B you'd be the first to know) but she got TALENT.
This is not an ironic post, not trying to be all LOL all over the show. I actually believe this 'diva' has some valuable nuggets in her noggin.
She's in love with her radio. Why don't you love her, when she makes her so easy to love? a diva is a female of a hustler. HOLLA
But actually. 'I am Sasha Fierce' is the bomb. I've had this on my IPOD for a while without fully appreciating its genius. This bitch is the queen of pop man. These beats are way better than the shit on B-DAY. Wish there was more colab with cool rappers but I can get over it because her voice is like honey. The song halo. uhh beautiful notes hit there. wonderful beyonce, 5 gold stars from Amelia.
LOL but nah kind of serious.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Muddy Aliens

Ok girls,
Here is a little tip. How about we rub our make up in??
I don't know how the fuck you miss this shit in the mirror, but it is utterly, and totally unacceptable. 
Was talking to penny about it last night, and if you are going to choose to be unnaturally orange, please make it a consistent hue. 
Heres a tip; the most common area left un-blended is around the chin. Girls, your face is not actually a separate entity from your neck, and thus needs to be blended accordingly. 
Yesterday I served a girl that looked like a muddy alien, hence the title of this post. Her bone structure could not be helped, however her doggy weave and caked on mud mug could have.

I am trying to help you. Why wont you let me??

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

me boots, they not made for walkin'!

Today I am gutted for many reasons.
1. I wore my new boots for the first time, got halfway down my driveway and realised I could hardly walk in them. But decided to try anyway.
2. The bus was late, which, ordinarily, wouldn't be too much of a problem coz I'm pretty good at walking up the hill as fast as I wanna.
3. Since I had my new boots on it took me a much longer time to walk up to uni. And it hurt. And I kept thinking the whole time that everyone was looking at me and laughing at the girl who couldn't walk in heels. I'm usually really good at walking in heels, honest!
4. Since it took me longer to walk, and the bus was late I missed my doctor's appointment. Couldn't get another til next week. That was my main reason for going to uni today since I have no classes.
5. Got to the library, went on computer and realised that in my hurry to run to get the (late anyway) bus I hadn't sent myself my reading notes for the assignment I'm working on. Which is due tomorrow. So basically I couldn't do any work.
6. Realised I had just wasted an hour and a half to hurt my feet, get sweaty, feel embarrassed, and have the doctor's receptionist tell me to be more organised. Grrrr!!!!
This is where I would usually put: 7. Spent $20 on a taxi to get home to save myself time, pain and humiliation .... BUT....
I had the nicest taxi driver ever! He was this old Greek Grandfather who is Wellington's longest serving taxi driver - 44 years! And he only charged me $15 and told me about how he was an eternal optimist and how my name means 'brilliance'.
How can you argue with that? I couldn't. And I'm not gutted anymore... maybe just a little bit about the boots...

Monday, April 27, 2009

ruff secks

This movie is the best thing I have seen in a long time. It hit all the right spots. I was feeling narcissistic so Laura brought some DVD's round yesterday and this was the motherfuckingbomb. Funny, fucked up and interesting enough not to look at the clock. Twists are my favorite. so is Angelica Houston. One of the best divas evah.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

sexy faux pas

oh dear...

you know the one... the worst? calling your current lover by another (previous) name.
usually, although not always, during the sexy times in our lives.
always going to end in tears/fears/awkwardness..
I have never actually done this. thank god. I have definitely nearly done it, or at least been thinking bad thoughts. don't know what made me think about this...

lol all around the world .
In other news, Donkey punch, worst movie ever made. thank you george for that one. not. big fat sarcastic not. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

seeeck ness

Today Helen screamed AHHHHHH! GET HERE PENNY! FUCK YOU! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!! 'cos she pulled this (up there) out of the plug hole in the shower! hahahahahaha!

To Helen,

You are welcome! 



P.S Thanks for your contributions, Robin and Jonathan. 


Monday, April 20, 2009



Ok so. not fair, they decided to not tell me when they were killing bluey.I don't think they liked the bloodthirsty glint in my eye. So i was alerted to their plans by bluey himself getting caught and creating a mighty hullabaloo.

At which point I dashed down the drive in my crocs in time to see Kiaran chopping, 1,2,3 chops.


wow man it is true what they say about headless chickens they bounce along fine without their heads. really interesting. anyway after getting sick of my moaning Kezza said i could pluck it.


you have to put de chicky in the bucket then pour de boiling water over de chicky to loosen de feathers.

then you pluck. It was easy. I was a little grossed out when the water started partially cooking the skin of the chicken which then started coming off in chunks with the feathers if i wasn't careful.

The smell was not the bomb. boiling feathers?? yuck.

Mum had a wee cry. oh dear.

I didn't. In fact I rather enjoyed it.

Please feel free to leave your small children or animals in my company.

Thanks mum for the flattering photo. I look reeeeeeeeeeeal purrrdy.
ciao xx

If you hang around dumb people too long, you'll get dumb.

Who am I to judge dumb people and intelligence in general?

No one.

But you're reading this, so shut the fuck up.

I want to look specifically at my idea of intelligence. I think I judge people within about, two min's of talking to them. This is subconscious of course. I think my brain computes vocabulary and general eloquence of speech to determine that persons intelligence. That's how it (my brain) judges it at first anyway. I surround myself with people who are fairly similar in my standard of intelligence, as is only natural. Maybe my personal judgements spring from the fact that my mother was a speech language therapist, or maybe because I study literature and read a hell of alot. I don't know. I'm shocking at grammar etc and still used spell check, I'm in no way placing my self at the pinnacle of my own judgements. I suck.

But its funny how that works. And that this is how I personally judge intelligence. My 'method' is not my only way, I'm by no means stating I cannot see intelligence in its other forms. Its also not to say that someone who cannot string pretty sentences together is not intelligent. DUH not what I'm saying. Its all relative anyway. and this is relative to ME. shameola.


I know a person that springs to mind in the words ' hang around dumb people too long, and you'll get dumb'. This person is naturally very intelligent and has a thirst for knowledge and an interest in many things. But they persist in hanging around idiots. When ever this person has been thrown into a conversation with me and my more 'talky' (intelligent and spouting opinion) friends they have excelled and grasped all the fundamental elements of the humour and points of the conversation. SO MUCH POTENTIAL. but they just hangout with the biggest douchbags in the universe. This persons dumb friends will eventually squash their natural intelligence.You cannot save them all.
Judge your friends carefully because:

Life's a peach, and then you die.


I'm pissed off.

Opshopping sucked. I wasn't on form like I usually am.

People stared at me like I was a freak in a velvet moo moo in 'town'.

I spilt coke down my boot and now i'm sticky.

I feel kind of sick, like vommiting, from eating at some country bumpkin cafe.

I'm bored.

Overslept or underslept or something.

wah wah wah wah wah


Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed.

"What?!", I hear you cry. "But your life, it is so perfect! What ever could you have to lament about?!"

Let me tell you...

I believe that from the day I was born I was doomed to be a klutz - a clumsy, butterfingered, ham-handed, bumbling little mofo. Most people that know me can probably attest to this, probably even provide broken pieces of their prized possessions as evidence. But in case you don't believe me, allow me to elaborate...

It started when I was a child and I would break things. My Dad had a rule: "look with your eyes, not with your hands". I broke this rule once and I broke an $80 cookie jar. It now sits in the maths department at Avondale College.

I can still remember the scornful looks Robin's mum used to give me when I smashed yet another glass on their kitchen floor.

And of course a part-time career in hospitality was always a bright decision - at my first job the owners kindly offered to foot the drycleaning bill when I spilled whipped cream down some Ponsonby-ites jacket. And at Sweet Mother's my colleagues would often offer to put their name instead of mine in the "breakages book" after I broke yet another glass... or caraffe, or hot sauce bottle, or plate.

Cars are the worst though. I totaled my mother's car a week after I got my restricted license (and I should add that this car had been given to her by my grandfather who, at the time of this incident, was on his deathbed), caused a minor two-car pileup in my mother's next car, and knocked the indicator out of the bf's... that one was just a few month's ago.

The poor boy... I think he feels like he has felt the effects the worst. Last night - after I knocked a shelf out of the fridge after grabbing it when I sneezed, and consequently smashing both bottles of hot sauce he made and had been waiting patiently to eat - he asked me despairingly, "Why is it always my stuff that you break?".
Oh, he could have also been referring to his headphones that I stood on and broke a couple months ago.

So. That's only a taste, but it seems like a curse to me. How else can you explain it???


So, at the dinner table we had chicken on the list of conversation.
Not your average chicken though, Dinky and Bluey. These are two of the roosters which have grown from the brood of chicks henrietta or one of them hatched. The problem being that there is already Peter to fertilize the eggs and look after the crew. Dinky and Bluey have been bad bad cocks, they have been raping and pillaging the hens and now something needs to be done.


So they need to be killed.
so they need to be killed!!
That's totally fine with me, i see the necessity of their lives being taken and have never been one to coddle ugly animals like chickens so meh. ( plus I'm not stupid enough to realise meat doesn't grow on trees)

Heeeerres where we hit our problem...
Mum ( being a pussy ) and Kiaran ALSO A PUSSY??!!

they then proceeded to talk me through chopping its head off with a machete and holding it upside down to let the blood drain. HOLD ON!!!
no way.
not what I signed up for in my retreat to the mother country. I understand I'm in the country but I'm VISITING!
I'm happy with my city clicker status.
although I am considering it for the experience and tough kudos I'll get.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Work ethics

Anyone who knows me, and lots who don't, know where I work.
The snobbery surrounding retail is not a thing to be laughed at. I met a girl at a party once, and we got along great. I could tell she was a bitch to alot of people but was too scared to venture that treatment on me. For some unknown reason she seemed to view me as; on her plane or above her, in the self prescribed 'cool' hierarchies of her brain. Anyway some how it came out where I worked and I still remember the surprise and following audible down grading of me in her tone. She may have even physically walked away from me. It didn't bother me as she had a furry face anyway and it was distracting to look at when trying to talk to her.


point = HELLO I am not summed up by my part time job. This job is not something anyone has the right to judge me on. I work at this place to earn money while i study at university. With varying degrees of irony I will add. And sometimes not. I don't hate it there at all, and that is not something with which people have the right to judge me by either. Just because I don't work at Hunter and Collectors..... or say; Kate Sylvestor or Zambesi does not mean the job I work in reflects my ideas in fashion or anything for that matter. It neither means people who do work in these formally said places have any idea how to dress themselves, or a better idea than me or say, Penny, who is in the same boat.

Also having to lie to girls through to old women about things such as pleather mini skirts looking good on them, is not easy. My job is not easy. But it pays the god dam rent.

Know me before you judge me. lol.


I was just reading - as you do on a Monday morning when trying to avoid doing actual work - and was struck by something that was being discussed in the comments: the idea of being single; whether this means 'not dating' or 'not in a relationship'.

This is a mostly American blog and what struck me about it is that I don't feel like people in NZ 'date' per se. It seems quite odd to me that our culture is pretty similar to America's and yet our dating rules can be completely different.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like in America it is pretty acceptable to be 'dating' more than one person at a time... until one of those dates becomes an 'official relationship', from which point things should be completely monogamous. Maybe it's just that they're more formal about it, but I can't think of anyone I know in NZ who has done this kind of thing. It seems like here how it works most of the time is that you sleep with someone when you're drunk (either because it had never occurred to you or you didn't have the balls to do it before then) and if there's some mutual liking going on it might develop into something else.

I think what I'm getting at is that it seems like the general pattern in our society (or at least among the people I know) is that sex comes first, is usually followed by more sex, and then will maybe be followed by a relationship of some sort but that usually comes after a good month or two of neither party knowing quite where they stand. Is this weird?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Saint nicholas

not only does your empty blog exist under the domain: The wart of New Zealand, it also proves your lack of imagination and stickablity. Do not fuck with me. You will and will always lose.

Apple bottom jeans.

I have two days of mummy-less time on my hands in which I am left to my own devices in the country. Sunday and Monday mumma martin works so I slept in as much as I could so the day would be shorter, but I am still left with alot of time. I started a book which is medium good. I discovered they get C4 out here which is exiting and strange seeing as they cant get broadband Internet, which is not exiting it is dumb. Also how do we change the time zone on this thing so our blogs are correctly labeled with the time in which they were written?

I was thinking about tattoo's and how I regret the horse shoe on my hand. And then i felt sick and worried because I cant just rub it off. I am so Rip Shit and Bust I blow my own mind.

I was also thinking about how ugly Gerbera's are as flowers, and how the gerbera coupled with the toad green VDUB is not a vestige of the nineties I wish to bring back.

Also, last night the neighbour's daughter had her 21st birthday party out here which I thought was an irony saved for me, seeing as i had mine out here. I guess she didn't mean for it to be ironic or quaint having her 21st out in the cunt-ry, seeing as she lives out here 24/7. It was pretty funny listening to the bass emanating from which I could hum along 'shorty got the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur...' and then the contrasting live music which consisted of the worst noises i have ever heard in my life. It was somewhere between linkin park ( i know i should like that part ) and 8 foot sitiva but all out of time. There were two singers harmonizing whiny American accents with throaty deathmetal screams. This was all pretty lol until it was past 1 and i wanted to sleep.

C4 tyme playa.

'Ethnic edge'

Ethnic Beauties.


being white bread/bred sucks.
why couldn't either my mother or father have been:
even like Native American Indian??

It's not fair. You half caste babes have a total advantage. Caramel skin, delicate features and coloured eyes!!??
how de F are my freckles going to compete with that???
This is what my good friend Jonathan call's 'ethnic edge', and although he is a purveyor of many gay terms, often stolen, this one is apt and useful.

I know why the old racist whitey's were scared of miscegenation. It's because the result would be a stunningly beautiful master race. evident in the following -

Some ethnic beauties:

Penelope Cruz
Sophia Copola
Lil bow wow
Warrick Brown from CSI
Vannessa the funky dressing one from Gossip Grrrrll ex oh ex oh

So to protect my babies from the damage my white skin has done to me. I would like to couple with a person of different ethnic background to me (must have darker skin tone) applicants welcome.
In 5-10 years.


I am at mum's getting some much needed R and R.
here is a list of events so far.
1, Had Shepard's pie ( we in de country )
2, Kiaran shot de possum! (fat one, kyle would approve)
3, Was going to make crab apple jelly then discovered they are ornamental crab apple's yuch yuch.

Ok so it's day one and I'm trying to fit in with the lifestyle. I get bored easily. I have ADHD.maybe, mum wont really tell me.she only alludes.

The op shopping on Tuesday is going to be off about 23487 chains and 2384724 hooks.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

this is totally cheating but...

Poppin' my cherry

I am officially now a member of this crew. feels great.

I was looking for a profile picture in fitting with my name, but according to Google there is no such thing as a vagina popsicle. The outrage!

Anyone feeling crafty?

This charming necklace was the best I could find.

Where on earth?

did animal crackers go?
Do you remember? the hard icing on top was de bomb. They slipped off the radar.
I do not remember the pictures being this detailed but you get the idea. can be funny but i don't like the layout and its obvious that most of the posts are made up. If you're going to make shit up 'anon' cant you at least make it interesting? plus the ones that seem real, are just stupid. like thick. www.fyourbrain more like it.

Assesing Friends Like Family's 'GLOBAL INTERNET FOOTPRINT' (circa. 12 hours in)

ok so.

a quick google search sees us nowhere to be found.

turns out there is a real website with the same name as the blog

which describes itself as:

'A forum for mature discussion of all topics related to life, living, loving and growing, but not politics.'

not sure how we can compete with that.
i got sixteen google pages in before i stopped searching.
in better news however, turns out we are NOT YET BANNED IN CHINA:

unlike these guys who are banned:

This will be my project for the day.



just dew it, sucker

thinking mixed with using web 2.0 can have disastrous, over-philosophical consequences
blogging makes my brain go brrritss brittzz briitsss (buzzing, whirring noises)

questions about what the internet really memes

it will never be apart from us again ack, yikes

we are formally a group-meme. or, maybe once we've got more than one follower that is not also a blog-maker.

'how does this make you feel?'

Crunch Crisis. State of the economy

In more interesting news.
today i got two pair of glasses for $20 when one was$18!!! silly.

doing my bit.

Devils Fruit.

This should be a tomato.

Reasons  I find the Devils Fruit abhorrent.

- The texture; slimy, seedy, often chewy skin.

- The colour red usually either symbolizes either some tangent of passion, or of evil. In this     case, it is evil. 


Sorry Nick. Your 5 step plan to make me like these yuckies can get F'd.


- hates to be the cynic, but is yet to be convinced of this public parade of 'identity'
- might not be cut out for this
- hasn't dropped a stitch
- will try to keep an open mined

confusion summarised by:

Dragon eating its tail.

Man. is the bomb. 

BOB you'd dig.



This is a pretty image.
Here are some bands me and helen used to be into in a BIG way.

1- Linkin park

2-Sugar ray (correct me if i'm wrong)

3- Limp Bizkit

4- P.O.D

and lots more.

Helen, you're pregnant.

my boobs may be growing

chicken hormones or pill hormones?

vote and the winner can cop a feel.

it may also be my imagination.

also, a guy looked at me today.